I just got cheated on in the most vulgar way possible. Everything
in my relationship was perfect; my boyfriend was very attentive and let me know
how much he loved me. We were talking about marriage. Babies. How we would
raise our family. We were making plans to get our parents all together to meet
for the first time. My parents bought him expensive dinners and pricy, classy Christmas
gifts. And yet, there was always something in the back of my mind telling me to
run.
I was, and still am by default (considering this happened
yesterday) oversaturated with love for this guy. It hurt my heart that, as a
self-proclaimed “word artist”, I couldn’t find any phrase powerful enough to
encompass just how in love I was (am) with him. And he reciprocated, and we
were happy.
So happy. I had never been happier.
One day after we had just said goodbye, we planned on
meeting back up about a week later. A day after this goodbye, he goes and
sleeps with his ex-rebound-girl. Why? “Because she asked,” he said.
But I have a feeling she didn’t ask, and he was the one
initiating the whole encounter.
My ex and I had a great—scratch that, mind-blowing sex life.
And he throws it all away for a girl he supposedly “didn’t even like, used for
rides, and was trashy.” So he said.
I keep replaying this scenario in my mind.
Let me tell you something about a traumatized mind. I saw a
picture one time, and to credit this photographer I would also like to point
out the cruel concurrence of his page being called “Andrew’s Nature”. This
picture was taken of the dirt/rock ground in Yellowstone National Park—there's a large circumference of
beautiful yellow-copper-sunshine on the outside bleeding into a lighter, pearly
hue closer to the inside, then cooling off with a blueish-turquoise-aqua near
the middle of this circle. In the center is a black, cold, soul-swallowing bottomless
pit.
Take this image and attach it to a memory of those blue coin
collectors in malls, where you drop your penny in and it spirals and spirals
and down it drops into the hole in the middle.
For a long time, my mind was completely
yellow-copper-sunshine. Didn’t have to overanalyze things, could be confident
in my life and relationships. The penny in my brain danced around the outside
of that circle without any fear of falling in the center. Then, something
happened where I lost some confidence (receive a message from a stranger
telling me my boyfriend cheated). My penny stoops a little into the
beautiful-but-sad blueish-turquoise-aqua. Then I find out the truth, all my
worst fears confirmed—my penny drops into the center of that coin collector. My
mind at this time is no longer bright, sunshiny, or beautiful. It is in a black
vacuum of psychological torture.
I could perceive this situation as though something was
wrong with me, and that’s why he did it. I choose not to take that route. This
is not my fault, I did nothing wrong, and yet I have to deal with the horrible
backlash of this betrayal. When I’m done writing this, rest assured I will write
another document solely to unleash my utter hatred I have for this person now.
But this isn’t the place for that. (If you want to get ahold of this
beautifully written anger piece, just let me know and I’ll send it privately.
It’s gonna be gold.)
So, right now, I want to reach out to all the women and men I can who
have been cheated, betrayed, or heartbroken, and give you all an Internet hug.
Your situation isn’t the same as mine, but in every situation there is a reason
to give yourself a break. I could (and I have, but briefly) translate this
whole situation to mean “You are worthless. You didn’t mean anything to him.
You must not be important. You did something wrong.” But ultimately I know
better than that, and I refuse to believe these thoughts. And you should too.
As my mom tells me all the time, in order to heal, you HAVE
to recognize that your sense of worth can’t come from your significant other.
She always tells me, “If you do that, and he leaves, where does that leave you?”
Screw him (or her). Let them leave! Because you’re (and I'm) still here, the same person
as before, no less worthy and no less beautiful and no less wonderful.
I still need time to heal from this, and I don’t expect to
feel completely okay again for some time. This was a devastating experience for
me, my family, and although my friends aren’t devastated, they sure doctored up
when they heard I was. I’m taking every positive I can and holding onto it. Look at me now--I'm already making a positive out of this by picking up my writing again (thanks, Mom). I’m trying to constantly remind myself of everything I’ve written here. I do
know for certain that I’ll look back on this heartbreaking time and think to
myself, “That was the best thing to ever happen to me."
Oh, and I should throw out there that throughout my two-year
relationship, my intuition (the universe) tried to tell me many times to get
away from him. So did my friends, and sometimes family members as well, but I didn’t listen. I kept making excuses for him/me/us because I was blinded by love, and I
had always said, “The only deal breaker right now is if someone cheats on me. I
will never look back after that.”
Checkmate, Universe.
But I know I’ll thank you one day.
[http://andrewsnature.blogspot.com/2011/08/photos-i-had-taken-on-my-trip-to.html
Scroll about 3/4 of the way down and that's the picture I described above. Picture uploader won't work, meh.]
